My final chemotherapy treatment was very anti climatic. I didn’t ring a bell, pronounce I had won, and skip merrily from the hospital . I left quietly, just like any other day. I was incredibly happy to be done with blood work, injections, and infusions. I was overwhelmingly grateful for my healing.

But I was also scared. Scared that once active treatment ended my disease would come raging back in full force.(Not exactly how it works, but tell that to my anxiety).

You see, it wasn’t an end for me. I have an incurable rare disease. Even though it’s not active right now, one day it will be. It will rear its ugly head and begin to attack my organs. I will be forced back into treatment, the battle on once again.

I have no way of knowing when this will happen. It’s been almost a year since my treatment ended. Every three months I head back for the follow up. I have anxiety for weeks before these appointments. Two weeks before my first follow up I couldn’t figure out why I was in such a horrible mood.

I came across the term “scanxiety” used by cancer patients to describe the stress of the follow up. The scan to detect if they were still cancer free. I could relate. It became clear why I was grumpy. I was stressed about my follow up appointment; scared that those numbers would be creeping up again.

Two little numbers. But they hold such power over my life. Can I continue on as I have been? Living a relatively “normal” life? Or is it back to weekly blood draws and infusions, my future uncertain?

The stress sucks. It’s not easy to deal with. I know worrying will not change the outcome. I need to make peace with the fact that I can’t control it, but that’s very hard to do.

If you can relate to this, I’m sorry. I’m sorry that you’ve been handed a burden too. I wish I could drop some amazing wisdom bomb on you to make the worrying and “scanxiety” go away. But I cannot.

I can however share with you the things I do to help me to cope with this stress…

I face up to it.  I sit with the thoughts for awhile and play it out. What’s the worst case scenario? That it’s back and I’ll have to go into treatment again? Well I reacted well to chemotherapy the first time, so I can face it again. And with new treatments on the horizons, my chances of healing may increase.

I focus on things I can control. My diet, exercising, getting enough rest, taking my medications, and following doctors orders are all things I have control over. Part of the stress for me is the feeling of helplessness. I do not determine when my disease comes back. But by focusing on all the ways I can positively impact my health, I gain back a little bit of power.

I have fun and distract myself. Dwelling on the things I can’t control does me no good. Being mindful and keeping my thoughts on things I enjoy makes it easier to not worry about the future. (It’s not easy, but I will do my best!)

I will do what I do when things get tough and “Just keep swimming.” I will face the worry, come up with a plan, and redirect my thoughts to things I can control.

“What’s comin’ will come, an’ we’ll meet it when it does.” – Hagrid

Please feel free to share in the comments if you have any ideas to help deal with “scanxiety”.